Pathfinder Therapy LLC

MYOwn Path:

The Business Blog of Byll Monahan, LMT

1/5/2025- Five Minutes or Longer...

Today is the start of the second year of Pathfinder Therapy LLC. It’s been almost a year since I last posted, mainly due to a particular form of writers block. This block has been in place since January of last year when I was exiled from my MFR tribe for professional disagreement. I thought I was running a business on my own, but it would seem others believed they had control over how I chose to operate. Since I was unwilling to abide by this, “silent partners demands,” I have undergone a year of grief and loss in a discontented silence.

No more.

It has taken everything I can muster to sit down and write about this experience, and throughout this year I will take time to describe what professional grief looks like and what my 2024 held for me.

I remain determined to operate and maintain this business. I have moved to Downingtown, PA and now have a work space in my home. I have increased my rates to reflect the ten year commitment to my training, and I am still being told by my constituents that my rates are far too low for what I have to offer. I maintain these rates to keep treatment affordable and my livelihood affordable as well.

All the while, this endless scream has sat within me- how do I move on? Over the months, teaching at my alma mater massage school as an adjunct, I have maintained the practice and philosophy that my MFR education has shown me. I continue to seek and apply an easier and kinder way to approach the body. I continue to trust my instincts. I continue to trust the process and wait. I keep the fundamental principal of Myo Therapy: hold the boarder for five minutes or longer.

No one told me just how long the, “or longer,” could look like.

At the end of 2023, I made a resolution to let go of the outcome of my workshops. Less than a week later, I found my efforts to share my work and build a client base under attack by the same people who encouraged and validated my efforts in the first place. By the end of 2024, my workshops had evolved and varied in attendance levels. This is what letting go of the outcome looks like: not having a workshop or a tribe, “the way I thought it would look.” By applying this release, I am making room for what is coming next.

To begin to share what this professional grief has done with me has taken me months and dozens of attempts to sit down and write. Trying to craft a single thought without overwhelming anger or pride or despair or judgment has been my struggle; learning to let go of the same people who taught me what, “letting go,” looks like has been quite the undertaking.

All the while, seeing the actual fear behind the industry giant; fear of my success, masked with so many other “concerns.” Feeling the grip tighten as I was told I could no longer participate… it felt illogical. For someone who preaches letting go, it seems control is a pretty strong illusion holding sway.

That’s because fear has no logic.

When you set the intention of letting go of the outcome, you make way for opportunity, with or without support from people you grew to appreciate and trust. You take all that energy and you pour it back into yourself and then ultimately into your clients.

“Some things end.” This reality is one that I rebel against because I have fully subscribed to the notion that nothing has an ending. But perhaps a better view would be: all things change.

It will take time to describe everything I have gone through, and I will take the time to share it over these next months. Version after version, vision upon revision; I will share my fallout from the MFR world and what it is to be a fascianista in exile.

I am finally ready to answer a few pressing questions my superiors put to me.

1- No, I do not believe the education, encouragement from my teacher and directions for my qualifying for advanced courses received over the past ten years, which fueled my desire to work with people, therapists, clients and friends, ultimately yielding a successful space and workshop for healing and restoration, has been, or ever will be, irresponsible.

2- No, I do not believe I am endangering the lives of my clients by showing them any application of MFR, including Unwinding. Following a professional practice offering a similar learning environment couldn’t possibly be irresponsible, unless you actually believe me to be incapable.

3- No, your decision to ban me from giving you money to pay for continued education or participate in online conversation with a tribe of my equals has not stopped me, though it has confounded me. Furthermore, I have made no attempt to return to the tribe by way of subterfuge or obfuscation of my online presence. Your attempt to coax a response from me in this way was a failure. Your efforts to remove me were also half-baked; I have removed my business profile from your group, on oversight on your end…

No, I have not fully healed from all of this. Because healing isn’t going to suddenly happen, certainly not over night, or even over the course of several months. This will absolutely take time, like all injuries. Healing is not an event, and I am uncertain why I thought it would be any different for me in this instance.

And even if there is scar tissue, I can wait. I can hold this line just like I would hold any clients body: with gentleness, intention and for at least five minutes.

As we explore the, “or longer,” please note that I am sound and safe. I have many supporters in the tribe who understand fully what has happened to me and have reassured me that this fear comes from the very top.

A narcissistic relationship often leads to sympathy for the narcissist when it all ends. I have no ill-will towards the man who cut me out, or to his lackeys who issued the sentence. I have nothing but gratitude, which makes the cut even deeper for me. It would be easy to be up in arms and destructive over this, but that’s not who I am. It simply shows that my capacity for the love of the work I do is great, because the grief has been daily and unceasing.

I forgive you John and I send you light and love. I wish only ease and continued success for you. I wish Jeannine would have taken my offer to come to my workshop and see that I am not a danger to myself or to my participants, several of whom attended the MFR Healing Seminar BECAUSE of these workshops. I wish I was more brazen, more of a renegade, more aggressive in my responses, giving your admin team a proper reason to banish me, instead of this assumption made by a woman I have never met and who refused to meet me. I wish I had written more clearly or precisely when I was asked to document my phone call with Jeannine the day she came inquiring about my Facebook post for an Unwinding workshop, the same kind of post shared over the course of many years. I wish I had not believed her when she told me, “You’re not in trouble.” I wish I was a stronger writer to put words that swirl in me for months onto paper instead of keeping them in the zoo in my mind; there would certainly be less shit to clean up!

…

I am certain there’s more to share on all of this. But in the end, I find myself without a tribe and without a teacher. So it only seems logical to move on and be available and open to what this year has in store. Ultimately, dear readers, I see more growth and more work and more trusting and more ease. I look forward to sharing more in the months ahead.

Here’s to the Or Longer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=potq6EfzFTI

02/28/24 Visceral Pain: A New Perspective

This past month has been uncomfortable. It is my experience that February is the least forgiving month in my industry. Between client illness, unpredictable weather and injuries from falling on the ice, February also gets to be the shortest month of the year. Rent comes quickly!

Since becoming a therapist in 2013, I have struggled to find peace during this stressful month. Something always gets flummoxed and I end up stressing over things I cannot control. I find my work ethic suffers and the winter blues usually strike me during this time. It is difficult to keep myself cheerful even though I can plainly see the seasons slowly beginning to change. I get impatient with so many elements of my world.

This season, however, I was busy. I had many clients booked up over the shortness of the month and felt quite confident I would finally break the cycle that has long plagued me. February would be a successful month. Looking back at last year, I was slowly getting my business status confirmed and settled and was worrying about building my book. To be fair, I am always building my book, but this year felt different. I had survived my first year as a small business owner. My mind has been occupied by so many tasks to complete and for the most part, the weather was kind. Two snow days, easy to make up clients…

But of course, life had other things in mind.

Earlier this month, I got a pinched nerve in my left arm. It incapacitated me from working, and I couldn’t raise my arm without using my other arm to assist me. I was so frustrated with my impediment and had to go back to basics with my own self care. Preplanned massages for myself were a blessing, but did little to get me back on track. I ended up reaching out to a colleague to get some Myofascial therapy, and boy oh boy, it did the trick! A truly brilliant therapist, Mark Naylor, got me back on track. Something he said to me during our treatment really got me thinking about pain management and overworking myself. He said, “The task is past.”

This notion of working and overworking really got my head on straight. I had not been giving myself enough personal maintenance and care. Self treatment is preached by my mentors and even by my own mouth, but now I needed to practice what I had been preaching. More than I had been giving, I needed to take time for my wellness.

“Make time for your wellness or you will make time for your illness.”

Maybe a week later, I was in the swing of things again and my body once more told me it was time to slow down. I began to experience gut and abdominal pain. I did the thing you’re not supposed to do and Googled my symptoms. Having self diagnosed my condition, I reached out to my PCP and shared my thoughts. She gave me the most satisfying affirmation and agreed it might just be my gallbladder. (I’m not a doctor, and I don’t recommend anyone get their medical degree from Google!)

However, I learned so much from this horrible pain! The gallbladder is an interesting and non-essential organ which squeezes bile into the small intestine when it senses fat in our digestion. Tucked beneath our liver, the gallbladder squeezes bile down the common bile duct, into the duodenum and into the small intestine. This bile is actually what turns the color of our stool to the unpleasant brown we all know! There is a sphincter here that can get stopped up by gallstones when they are present, resulting in a significant quality of pain and discomfort. Nothing quite like having smooth tissue lining of the body get shredded like a chicken for a potluck!

Here’s where things get interesting…

When we look at pain, we have a few different kinds we can observe. My PCP explained that there is pain we can identify and point to with one finger. This is local or referred pain. But visceral pain is harder to pin down. It can manifest in several places all at once. Imagine if your scrape your knee. You can see the scrape and identify precisely where a bandage might be needed. You can point to your knee and say, “This is where it hurts.”

With visceral pain — organ pain — the layers of discomfort penetrate the body in multiple dimensions. Visceral pain can refer in common patterns, but it’s rarely just one point of pain. Considering the gallbladder, my pain was abdominal and in my upper right quadrant, but also in my right shoulder and mid-back. I also experienced bouts of constipation and irregular bowel movements. Needless to say, sleep was minimal, and I started to go crazy. This was only made worse when the ultrasound showed nothing out of the ordinary! I was informed it could have been a virus because it was highly unlikely that I passed a stone.

Why am I oversharing???

Because the lesson from the pinched nerve was coming into play again: self treatment. I knew I could absolutely treat myself, which I knew how to do from so many classes. I was able to affect great change in my body with Myofascial therapy. My self care was layered using ice and heat, range of motion, rubber balls for compression treatment, and my wonderful table warmer, the BioMat. But my direct treatment of my abdomen, upper right quadrant just beside my sternum, made a huge difference. It may have spared me from a trip to the emergency room, a mighty medical bill, and an unnecessary surgery. I am still healing, but I know my own treatment made a difference on my body.

Self care requires more than practical hands-on skills. Sometimes it looks like making the hard call to ask for help and get some medical assistance. It means rescheduling appointments, more than I have ever felt comfortable having to reschedule at one time, let alone during the month of February. But what a revelation this was! It wasn’t a chore to reschedule. I didn’t HAVE to rebook my clients, I GOT to rebook them!

My small business is growing; in the midst of all this discomfort, a silver lining! I am thrilled to be able to work with so many compassionate clients who have been willing to work with me as I take care of my body. I am still mending, flare ups here and there. But I am managing my diet (mostly), and attempting to be kinder and gentler to my body. Making time for self treatment daily, I have been using mindfulness techniques to speak to myself with loving kindness. The intentions and prayers I have received from folks have truly been felt and appreciated. “Energy follows intention,” I can hear John say. Our self talk matters. Speaking gently to a healing body is a kindness we would give a sick friend — why not give ourselves the same?

March will be busier, and I will be continuing my self treatments and picking up more clients where I can. Thank you all for your kindness and intentions.

12/24/2023- What If It Was Easy?

My mentor and teacher, John F Barnes, has an incredible sentiment that seemed only too timely for this season of the heart. While certainly applicable all year long, this catchphrase of his often finds me in the midst of challenge or simply while trying to work with my MFR clients. These five little words pack quite a punch and, like most of John’s practical teachings, invite us to go deeper into the understanding of our world and the inner-standing of our hearts: “What if it was easy?”

This holiday season has been exceptional for my business. I’m still learning and growing, and somehow this website keeps reaching people. I have total strangers buying gift certificates and requesting sessions with me. I have picked up private clients and taken referrals from other practitioners. My personal time has almost whittled away to nothing! Tis the season, or as Kurt Vonnegut would say, “So it goes…”

I was actually able to give myself a paycheck for the end of the year. This baby business has paid for my rent and utilities this month and I couldn’t be happier to share that! The kindness of my clients has truly supported me this season and allowed me to support myself to an incredible level. I feel truly blessed and am so grateful to all of you.

And still, with work picking up, my side gig needing more of my time and commitment, and clients calling out sick (so it goes), I cannot help but ponder this question from John. It always strikes me that he never asks, “What if it were easier?” Easier implies that where we are now needs reprieve. Easier means simplified, easy means simple. To lessen the burden or to remove it completely, “What if it was easy?”

As we gather together with family and friends, rush through the bustling stores and busy traffic patterns, as we spend and save our paychecks, pray that packages arrive on time, as we prepare the meal and the cookies and the pies, as we watch the younger generations feel the magic of the holiday, we may feel that certain pang in the chest reminding us that the things we really want, the wishes we have for ourselves, won't be under a tree or in a stocking. This hard lesson comes around every year at the holidays. Loved ones lost, stresses high, and tears that disarm us when least expected seem to have different weight as each year passes. The innocence and joy of yesteryear gives way to realities that remind us what it means to be thankful. Still, this season does not come without heartache.

“What if it was easy?”

Imagine for a moment. What does easy feel like in your body? How does it move through you? How is your breathing? How do your feet feel, firmly on the solid ground? How do your joints and bones feel with this ease? Can you give yourself this moment?

What does your mind feel like in this ease? Time tables and the rushing responsibilities subside. Deadlines and due dates, de-escalate. Financial burdens and crunches… let them pause. Just for now, take this moment.

What if you could let your heart feel this ease? To let your heart be light. The losses, the separation, the loneliness: let that soften too. The worry of having enough, being enough, giving enough… give that some ease some too.

Feel and know and allow yourself, if only for now, to be at ease. This season has come upon us so rapidly, and in a moment, it will pass. We will wonder, “What happened to our holiday? It feels like we just started and then it was over. It went by so fast…”

So it goes.

Can you give yourself this season? Can you allow this to be the greatest gift you get this year? Can you let it all be easy?

When John asks me this, I often laugh to myself and am immediately flooded with five or ten things that aren’t easy and couldn’t possibly be made easy. I start with those things first. I let each one drop from my hands, losing the grip of control over each one, that precious illusion of control! I fight with myself during this process. I then have to let go of that fight. The path to easy isn’t easy, but what if it was?

We invest so much into the reality that was put on us; the way things are done; the toll and toil we must go through to make it to the end. The truth is we get to the end either way. Why not get there with ease?

This MFR work is constantly teaching me. I am learning every day what it means to let go of the outcome, to let it be easy, to be present and grounded in The Eternal Now.

Be gentle with yourselves, maintain healthy boundaries, and give yourselves permission to let it be easy.

Enjoy your holidays, Pathfinders!

11/07/2023- Now What: Anxiety or Excitement?

My trip to Sedona, AZ this past month was an absolute success! I have been home for a little over two weeks now and I have never felt more certain of my role and my task: bringing this incredible MFR work to as many people as I can. I have so many stories to tell, and thanks to this website, I get to tell them all! I can remove the fear of boring people with my narrative because only my target audience will actually take the time to read these posts, and that takes the pressure off in a big way!

My clients are already seeing a difference in me and I am able to feel more than ever before. The new techniques I’ve learned along with old techniques I revisited have flooded my sessions and my clients seem to like it! Nothing quite as gratifying as seeing hard work pay off! And it was hard. It was the achievement of my career, ten years of education coming to a crescendo!

Since graduating MassageSchool in 2013 I’ve woken every day committed to the goal of getting to MFR3. I was scheduled to take this class last year, until my teacher became incapacitated. It absolutely devastated me. All the effort, the trusting and prayers that year; the soul searching required of me to sum up my time achieving my prerequisites and saving all the funds required to take those courses... If you have ever slipped on ice, skid across a floor on a rug or piece of loose carpet, lost your footing on loose rocks on a hiking trail or felt the moss covered lake shore betray your steps, then you know what feeling I am talking about. The removal of all certainty; the imbalance, the absolute gravity crashing down on you: this feeling of despair before you even get to leap. This feeling, both hollowing and humbling, was all I had inherited for my efforts.

Of course, the anxiety came. Would my teacher survive this ordeal and help me complete my journey? Would they ever reschedule the class? And what if they didn’t? I remember calling my dear friends and asking them, “Have I wasted all this time? Am I tripping before the finish line?” I was encouraged to trust that what was meant for me would find me.

It would be another three months before we got any news of my teacher or my class being rescheduled. I do not believe in coincidence. The same day I purchased this LLC, started my business and began this new adventure, I received an email announcing the rescheduled date for this past October.

Yet, the relief was minimal and the anxiety was still high. Why? Why couldn’t I give myself permission to be excited?

The lesson of the scorpion and the frog: I wanted to believe and trust that it would be okay and actually come to pass. But I had already done that, put that trust into the universe, and got burned. The majority of this year has been one big inhale. And with it, all manner of anxiety came out to play. As someone who preaches breathing, it sure was challenging at this time!

“What if the class gets cancelled again? What if the people there don’t like me? What if I get hurt or sick and can’t go? WHAT IF???”

Then the big one, the really scary question came, “What happens after the class?”

Ambition is a powerful fuel. Being driven every day with the mission to achieve this level of education in a bodywork modality I truly love was like having a shot of espresso in my coffee each day. Knowing that I would achieve my goal, I couldn’t help but wonder, “Would I still have the ambition after the task was complete? Would my drive as a therapist still be as strong? Would I feel any different or would it just be another certificate?”

BEFORE I COULD EVEN GET THERE, I WAS DEFEATING MYSELF.

I have learned that Anxiety and Excitement are the same energy in our bodies. The mind has this incredible ability to take the raw energy of anticipation and corrupt it into anxiety. We must learn to let the energy rest before refining it into anything. The mental fatigue we undergo in the name of anticipation is utterly crushing. And it wasn’t just with work, but with play as well. My friends and colleagues alike could sense it. I was consistently anxious. I hadn’t the time or room to be excited; all my energy was already committed to worry.

We get the chemical in our brain and before we can decide what to do with it, the energy defaults to anxiety. This is a learned behavior, a trauma response. “If the rug is going to be pulled out from under me again at least I can anticipate it and not let myself down.” I was still falling from the let-down of last year. Even a week prior to the trip, I was cool and rational, “It might get cancelled again.” I wasn’t able to find the joy until I hit the three day mark. By then, all the energy that was anxiety didn’t have time to transmute to excitement. I had to stop, breathe, soften, and GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to be excited. I had to let go of the anxiety and make room for my excitement.

John Barnes once instructed me to give my fear a job to do. Our fear, our doubt and our anxiety, the entire sympathetic nervous state, wants something to do. Without directly telling our fears how to behave, they will run us ragged. They will take over, complete control, and begin rerouting our circuitry, sending all kinds of terrible messages to and from our brain. Those messages then sit in our fascia, our connective tissue, and become muscle memory. This pattern repeats over and over again. The only way to solve this is to acknowledge our fear. See it and call it out, and then, give it something to do apart from running amok.

I gave my fear the job of finishing and launching this website. Once completed, I felt the yoke come off my back. I knew that I needed to complete that task before I went on my trip, and in doing so, I became fearless. My anxiety tried it, reared its head a few times during the trip, but my centered self was louder and far more enticing. But that’s another blog…

I didn’t know who I would be or what I would feel when I got my certificate for this class, but after six days of committing to my Tribe and my most authentic self, I found a kind of calm and centered certainty unlike anything I’ve ever known. I still feel it. All of the questions and concerns about what to do or how to motivate each day were gone. What remained was the mission: wake up every day and learn.

As much as I can claim the expert level of this work, a mastery of sorts, I recognize my beginner-hood as well. I am a new student every day. It’s a different kind of energy: an excitement that each day brings.

Instead of, “Now what,” I find myself with the presence of mind to simply be in, “now.”

10/15/2023- The Launch

Pathfinder Therapy LLC was established in January of 2023. But so much has happened preceding this business launch. Hours of education, years of practice, and a healing journey that looks a lot prettier on paper than it did in actuality!

My incredible teacher and mentor, John F Barnes, has taught me that we cannot expect our clients to go to distances we ourselves are unwilling to travel first. I have often wondered what doctors and surgeons would say if they had experienced the kinds of sickness and procedures their patients endure. The response of medications, poor bedside manner, the pain of surgery and recovery: would medical professionals still prescribe it if they had first hand experience themselves?

We as therapists, practitioners of the healing arts, have an obligation to our clients to traverse the unknown; the scary and challenging task that is the healing process. By this example, we can truly empower and encourage our clients to let go of the hurt and trauma they have embraced and held onto as foundation in their bodies. Letting go, we fully and gently walk into our most authentic and free selves; unburdened and unashamed.

This at times feels like the impossible act: how do I move forward? How do I let go of a history and past that hurt me, that betrayed me, that left me all alone? How do I forgive those that put me here? How do I forgive myself? How do I move on when all I have known is this hurt the world taught me and saddled me with for years?

I wish I had an easy solution for you. I would love to tell you that healing gets easier the more you go through it. The reality is that healing becomes more familiar, but is never promised to be easy. Some moments in life will become softer as we soften to them. Some moments dig their heels down and say, "Not now, not in this season. I'm not ready to let go yet." The challenge here becomes waiting with ourselves for that season to arrive. Our bodies will cling to these patterns until they feel safe enough and ready to let go.

Healing is cyclical; it is complex and layered, stretching out long and far into the past and inviting us to a future we must choose each and every day. And like healing, my journey to get to this point has not been an event. It has taken time. It has taken a willingness to sit with myself in the despair and uncertainty. No one wants to sit in that space, and yet, sometimes, you must in order to fully understand it. Taking the time to ask the question, "What is this trying to teach me," gives us so many more answers than, "Why is this happening to me?" The idea of perfect timing is flawed because all of our timing is already perfect.

I have taken my time on this journey: to my own business, to my own healing, to rediscovering the world I must take part in. I have not rushed this process. Hell, at times, I have dragged my feet, kicking and screaming through the process. Because that kicking and screaming is part of that process. The waiting is part of it. All of our process can look like waste or foolishness to any outside observer. We can judge ourselves in this time of processing, "I should be doing more, trying or working harder. I could have done something differently or in a more timely fashion." None of this serves us. But by removing the judgments of our timeline; by giving ourselves the grace and space to process and heal; in our own time, we flourish.

This website was a major source of chaos for me this year. I wanted it to be perfect (HUGE JUDGEMENT). I wanted it to be everything and more. I had to keep reminding myself that the internet has this special function that allows us to UPDATE. We get to make time, revision and change. I am certain I will post work that has typos and flaws. Hyperlinks won't work correctly, websites will crash. All of that cannot stand in the way of accomplishing the task. But I needed to go through it. I needed to make the information available, professional and then make it mine.

We get to make updates in our lives too. Each time we endure trauma, heartache and loss, we gain the opportunity to grow. We need to be willing to grow.

We do not demand the fruit to ripen; we do not command the flowers to bloom.

It is my intention to grow this business with gentleness and time. When you, dear reader, are ready to launch, I will be here. And while I cannot promise the healing process will be easy, I can promise you that you won't be alone as you go through it. Together, we will find the way.

7/24/2023- Facebook Reflections

What is Unwinding?

The John Barnes approach to Myofascial Release uses a gentle and subtle approach to this bodywork to hold space for softening the body and allowing it to let go of old holding patterns and trauma responses.

Practitioners create a safe environment for clients to feel their bodies and soften into that safety. Using simple applications of techniques, the body is held in traction, compression and oscillation, giving the connective tissue of the body the means to melt and break out of muscle strain and discomfort.

Unwinding can range from being very subtle to feeling like you've been hit by a truck! The body lets go of trauma in various ways, so it is impossible to predict how it will respond to treatment. No two people unwind the same way.

It is important to give yourself permission to be present to your body through deep, gentle and easy breathing and allowing your body to be held. Often, the therapist may "test the waters," of where your body may need to move or be moved through, but techniques are never forced or lead by a set agenda or sequence.

Many people experience a sense of freedom and ease. Others, a flood of emotion that has been repressed or held back out of survival or traumatic response to pain, injury or other influences. It is important to give yourself permission to feel what you are experiencing and give yourself space in this healing process. Trying to wrap your head around it, trying to "get it," will ultimately lead to distraction or becoming blocked. Step out of your thought process and commit to the feeling experience. Giving the body permission to be fully present is no easy feat, but it's an incredibly worthy undertaking!

In group Unwinding, one client may have several sets on hands on them, supporting and holding their body. This can be quite sensational, and the safety of the client becomes the most important element of the work. The client is already being challenged to feel, so maintaining the container of safety takes some of the pressure off the body.

Clients are the masters of this work, not the therapist. The client is always in full control of the session and knows their limitations. Safety words are used to communicate during sessions if techniques are uncomfortable, painful or simply too much to continue. Open communication between client and therapist(s) gives the session the best possible result and allows the therapist to meet the client's needs at a much simpler level.

If you have interest in receiving Unwinding therapy, schedule a session with me or check out our Facebook page Unwinding Event Series, which is being offered monthly in King of Prussia.

10/15/2016- Reflections on Worth

The following is a Facebook post that popped up on my timeline memories. It seemed only right that on the day of the website launch, that I post it here and share it with you on this platform as well.

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The biggest lie I tell myself is that I am not worthy.

Since I was 11 years old, I can recall feelings of worthlessness. Brought on by false friends, enemies, teachers and people who could not see past the illusion of my appearance, behaviors, methods, and beliefs, I found I could not trust myself.

It is a sad and unfortunate lie to be strapped to, this idea that I am somehow, in some way, undesirable or unacceptable or unworthy. Those that insisted upon imposing this reality on me did their best to influence me as I grew up; challenging me to reinvent what was already perfect in all of my imperfection. They went out of their way to remind me on a regular basis that I was not good enough, that I was found wanting.

After a while, I realized that by listening to these nay-sayers, I gave over to them, surrendered to them, the very best parts of me. The parts I struggle to find now in my adulthood. The parts I endeavor to instill and call into being in others, whether they are clients, friends, students, allies or family. The parts I cannot look at directly when I see them in the mirror. The parts that I sometimes need to remind myself are still there and needing attention. The parts I still hold onto, even when my grip fails and I lose hold of everything, both good and bad, both right and wrong, both complete and incomplete.

These parts, the collective conversation, the song of my life, manage to find me on my weakest days and challenge me to not only remember but to reclaim and reinstate. Choosing love over fear, choosing acceptance over distance, choosing empathy over apathy: that constant and daily reminder that I am more complete and more whole when I can puzzle piece myself back together. Even when the pieces don't fit or align the picture is still visible and more importantly the picture still makes sense.

On my strongest days, I am a warrior and an ambassador. I dance between this world and the spiritual world, standing firmly in both as best as I can, announcing with drums and song why this life is both a blessing and a burden. Yet the war in both worlds wages on, and as a warrior-shaman, I have a responsibility to lead where I was never led, to guide where I have never walked, to teach what I had to learn on my own, and relearn what I was incorrectly taught. I am responsible for being strong in my own self so that others can be strong in their own selves. I am responsible for the light and the dark that I lend to these worlds. I am responsible for the appearance of these worlds and how they invite and deter others from the Divine Conversation.

If I am an unworthy reflection, I would have shattered years ago.

If I am a worthy reflection, I must daily make use of whatever light touches me.

I do not fear that my life has been a waste. I do not fear that my time has been a waste. I do not fear that my love has been a waste.

What I do fear, and am learning to "un-fear" is that the measure of my life is not the same measure of the lives of others. If my life, my art, is singular, even in every representation that stands beside it, I must accept two truths: First that my life, my art is mine and mine alone, regardless of my inspirations or comparisons. Second, I must accept that art critics cannot and will not EVER speak for All, or even a portion of what we know as All. Critics speak for themselves.

So I choose to be worthy. It is a choice at the end and beginning of every day. It is a choice that must be made from moment to moment. In choosing to be worthy, I must make a constant and consistent effort to reflect the light I find in both this world and the spiritual world. We must all make that effort in our choice to be worthy.

The biggest lie I tell myself is that I am unworthy.

The hardest truth to swallow is, even in--- especially in my imperfections, I am worthy.

#knowyourworth

#critiquethis